Around the time it was announced that Pokemon Go was released in Australia – those lucky bastards – my hype levels were spiking up and down like a two-year-old waking up from its slumber to cause havoc until it has to give in to the black unconsciousness and shoot right back up until you slowly give in to the existential darkness of the reality that is this screaming, tasmanian devil of a rotten thing and then sweet, sweet bliss when it passes out and you have that one moment of relief before the cycle repeats itself. I kid you not. Between an android tablet with a completely trashed camera and a Windows phone, my hype was a roller-coaster of a thing. For days, I would see screenshots on Facebook from various
friends acquaintances saying shit like, “I caught a Bulbasaur on my balcony!” or “Team Mystic!” during which I simultaneously hyped for what could be and de-hyped because Windows phone. I quickly searched for a petition for the development of Pokemon Go on the Windows OS and shared it on my social media, of course. And then occasionally google search “pokemon go on windows phone” to find a list of various petitions and rage-inducing looks-like-you’re-not-going-to-be-as-happy-as-all-these-people-haha articles which, as you’d expect, I would search for just before going to bed at the break of dawn to remind myself yet again how dark this world is.
But all this nonsense aside, I discovered that I did not actually need a camera to play the game, that that was just a silly little feature you could use to screenshot a Diglett on top of your crotch, or an Ekans on top of your crotch, or a Weedle on top of your crotch. You get the idea. I got the game and there I was, right at the cusp of putting on my imaginary cap and slinging on my imaginary bag that somehow can carry the weight of 350 items and 250 Pokemon all encapsulated in their own individual Pokeballs, no sweat. And like a first-time lazy player, I used my incense up on the first try, contemplated going for a walk then decided nah it’s too late for that.
The first outing was grueling. I workout at home. In this Delhi heat, there is no way I’m willingly stepping out for more than 30 minutes just to run around because it’s “good for my health”. So adding Pokemon Go to my workout schedule was definitely physically hard on me but wayyy more fun than deadlifting in a small room that’s about to turn into a Korean spa any time you breathe out. And we humans breathe, a lot. After that first walk around the neighborhood parks, a total of one hour, I would reach home with a pulsating headache that made me feel like my heart was in my throat telling me that this is what I get for playing Pokemon Go. I remember that first day so clearly. It took me about 4-5 hours to make the world stop moving around me and stand up without feeling like my knees would buckle beneath me.
Now before you accuse me of being weak for nearly shitting my pants after one hour outside, let me tell you, I sweat A LOT. An unusual amount for a girl, let alone a human. I sweat more than most men if you want to understand this in stereotypical terms. The term “sweat like a pig” was invented as a foreshadowing of my coming to this earth. So, if you want to feel my pain, multiply the amount of time I spend outside by 2 to 1,000,000 and you’ll get there eventually. When I woke up the next morning, my legs felt like they were lightly slapped throughout the night by entities the size of underwear gnomes like a bajillion times.
After a few more days of going out hunting for Pokemon, the headache subsided, my legs felt like they could walk 500 miles and 500 more and never so much as tremble, and I thought: this is a great time to be alive. Come Saturday, my cousins and I went to a huge park that has a bunch of deer and is appropriately named Deer Park and we caught ourselves a bunch of Horsea and I overheard this conversation, “Poliwag evolves into Poliwhirl, then?” “Uhh, I think it’s Politoed” and nearly died inside because it’s Poliwrath, you silly, silly boys! I mean, it’s both but Poliwrath is the OG. Silly, silly boys. Now that I think about it, I shouldn’t be this proud about that fact considering I’m 22 and those boys were probably still teenagers and they wouldn’t know any better anyhow. Oh well.
To this day, about two weeks into playing the game, I have walked more than I have this entire year. I feel more fit. My legs feel like they could run across water. I can go out for a long time and come back and still accompany my parents to a brisk walk around the apartment complex. Life is great.
(Was that the worst segue into self-promotion you’ve ever witness or what?)
So there you have it! That’s about all I can say about this lovely game so far. I hope to be very ripped by the end of this. And I hope people will understand how the times that we live in with 24-hour media coverage and the need to sensationalize are most probably affecting their perception of ordinary things like this game and I’m sure a lot of other things. Don’t adopt Newt Gingrich’s ‘feelings’ policy for facts. Never forget that facts are right at your disposal and never be too lazy to check for bullshit. Because that shit stinks.
Peace. Let’s GO!